Out of the Mouths of Moms

Prior to welcoming Caroline into the world, I prepared myself for the joys and worries that awaited us. Becoming wise to the task at hand. I don’t live in a dream world; I knew that parenthood presents many challenges. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but, yep, I was right to be prepared for the inevitable trials.
I guess one of the things that caught me off guard was the fact that some pretty strange things have come out of my mouth in every day conversation. Things I never thought I’d say. Things that seemed perfectly sensible at the time, but upon further analysis sounded kind of bizarre.

As I sit here writing this, presumably enticing you with some of the humorous statements that have graced my lips, I’m drawing a complete blank. I really wish I could name some things, but I, well, doh!
Just know that I’m not kidding, moms say some pretty strange things.

“Get a tissue instead of wiping your nose on the curtains, please.”

“Why, at the age of four, are you licking the shopping cart handle?”

“Please take your hand out of that man’s cup; if you want some ice, just ask mom.”

“Don’t swipe straws from people’s drink cups.”

“Don’t take a drink from a random cup you found on the shelf at Old Navy.”

What’s with Caroline’s cup fascination? It must be true that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because her father is king of cups. Multiple cups. And bottles. Which, by the way, DRIVES ME INSANE. I’m not kidding, he usually has two cups by the bed and several scattered between the computer desk, the kitchen counter and this little microwave stand turned vitamin basket holder. Cups everywhere. He’s one thirsty dude. Or blind and unable to locate the dishwasher. The jury is still out on that one.

I’m a cup vulture; I spy an empty cup or one that has been stagnant for too long and swoop it up. It’s placed in the dishwasher and the house is once again restored to my desired clutter free state (excluding the ever present Lego explosion in the living room). Incidentally, my swooping bugs Craig as much as his multiple cup collection bugs me.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes, the strange things moms say.

A little earlier I was outside, putting the garbage and recycling out, watering the plants and pulling some weeds. Caroline and her friends had been playing with a sprinkler at another kid’s house, but moved over to our house and hijacked my hose. Eh, no biggie, I was done.
I laid out some rules: don’t spray me, don’t spray the cars that drive by, keep the hose out of the street, don’t spray anyone who doesn’t want to be sprayed and turn the water off when you’re done.

I turned around to do something and overheard one of the kids daring another one to put the hose in his shorts. This prompted me to yell, “no hoses in your pants, please.”

Oh dear. I really never thought I’d have to say that.
I hope the neighbors didn’t hear me.

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