Focus

I’m having trouble with this blogging thing lately.  I just cannot focus long enough to form a coherent thought, type it, edit for my usual atrocious spelling/grammar mistakes and hit publish.  I have so much on my mind; so much to worry about; so much to plan for and obsess over; so much keeping me awake at night.  You’d think blogging would  be the perfect outlet for all of this, but you don’t want to hear me whine every day, right?  I don’t even want to hear me whine everyday.

Instead of going into lengthy detail, I’ll give you a list of all that I’m currently worried about:  Craig, his safety, his health and well-being, hoping he gets enough sleep eats enough fruits and vegetables and doesn’t eat too much bacon and fried chicken.  I’m worried about who Caroline’s teacher will be next year, who will be in her class, her friends in the neighborhood who teeter between being totally sweet and total mean girls, and what the coming year will bring, friendship wise.  I’m afraid Caroline has eaten too much easy mac this summer and not nearly enough vegetables.  I worry about my excessive Diet Coke consumption and the havoc it’s wreaking on my insides. I’m concerned I won’t survive the remaining two weeks of summer, that I’ll run out of ideas for entertaining the troops and finally lose it and tell them to all go home and never come back.  I’m fretting about the decisions we have to make regarding Craig’s next assignment.  Should we stay where we’re comfortable or would that just be delaying the inevitable?  We love Caroline’s school, our neighborhood and I’m completely in love with my gym; moving would be really hard, but in this transient military life, it’s expected.  I’m worried that if we do move we won’t find friends for Caroline, but if we stay the girls she currently plays with will turn into the pre teen monsters I fear they will and make everyone’s life miserable.  I’m afraid I’ll always have to play peace maker, tension tamer, referee, tie breaker and fairness monitor.  I’m worried about my loss of running fitness and hope I’ll regain some speed for my half marathon in October.  I REALLY want to break 2 hours and I’m not confident right now.  I’m worried about Craig’s stupid car; the battery hasn’t died again, but I’m afraid to drive it far and get stranded. 

No wonder I can’t focus enough to blog.

I can’t even sleep at night. 

Speaking of sleep, I had a crazy night last night.  First, the smoke alarm in our hall, which is way, way, WAY up high in the vaulted ceiling (whose idea was that, anyway) started beeping at 10:20 last night.  It lasted just a few seconds; it must have been a test, or perhaps the battery is about to die.  I don’t have a super tall ladder, so I grabbed a stool from the kitchen and the broom in case I had to beat it to silence with the broom handle.  Thankfully the alarm didn’t sound again, but is sure shook me up.  Caroline was at a friend’s house, which was good.  I’m sure she wouldn’t have appreciated such a rude awakening.

Once I finally got to sleep, I had this crazy dream about my mom who was wearing bright green and blue eyeshadow in a houndstooth type pattern all over her eyes and the bridge of her nose like a big mask.  She kept saying, ‘heavy, dramatic eyeshadow is in style.’  I cried in my dream when I had to tell her it didn’t look good.  She cried, too.

So strange.

Anyway, as you can see, I’m somewhat preoccupied right now.  I think I’ll be able to focus a bit better when school starts in two weeks.  Yep, two weeks from tomorrow I’ll say good-bye to long summer days filled with futile attempts to appease hard to please children and hello to quiet afternoons where I can think.  Good bye chaos; hello clarity. No more hiding in my bedroom, hoping they won’t find me.  It’ll  be me, my computer and my beloved talk radio.

Two weeks.

Two. Weeks.

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6 responses

  1. I hope so. Caroline and friends talked me into make cake balls, so at least I have something tasty to gorge on while I try to hang on. And, on the bright side, at least this blog post was a distraction from the 1,458 recaps of the Healthy Living Summit currently swarming the internet. Ha!

  2. Mom, that dream was insane. You were you (my mom), but you weren’t YOU. At least for the most part. And to top off the eye shadow, you had oil slick black hair in a page boy style with thick bangs and a circle of silver hair like a yarmulke (sp?) on the top of your head. Oh, and you wore some sort of black bonnet type hat.

    You were so insistent that the eye shadow looked good and I felt so bad telling you it didn’t.

    What is wrong with me! 😉

    • I know! I worry about worry and sometimes I lose my train of thought while I’m worrying and in the process of remembering what I worried about, I find something new to worry about.

      It’s exhausting being me.

Yo.

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