In Search of Clarity

Fact: my mind is a jumbled mess right now.

I’m not sure why? I mean, it’s not like my life is particularly stressful, or anything. All I know is that I’m sitting here at my computer while Craig and Caroline are at soccer practice and my mind is cluttered and murky. There’s just too much to think about. Too much to consider. Too much to plan. So much, in fact, that I’ve made a conscious effort to NOT think, consider and plan. It’s always opposite day around here.  Unfortunately, the consequence to not actively planning, considering and thinking, is a mind caught in a perpetual web of tangled what ifs and maybes.

The tv is too loud and I cannot think. The floors are dirty and I cannot concentrate. There is a gigantic fort of towels, blankets and sheets in my living room and I cannot focus.

I need to fold my laundry.

I need clarity.

I need a maid.

Seriously, I was sitting here at the computer, reading mindless drivel and not even trying to think or plan and I couldn’t sit for a second longer because the overwhelming urge to clean out my freezer overcame me. It was if wiping up a pile of collected frozen crumbs and reorganizing my large frozen fruit stash would instantly clear my head.

So, I cleaned out my freezer. But, I’m still a jumbled mess. I have five uncompleted posts in my drafts box, none of which are even close to being publishable. A few sentences here and there, sparked by an observation I made about myself or the people around me, on any given day. I can think of plenty of things to write about; I just can’t get the words out. The words are trapped in my jumbled, mixed up head and have no hope of escaping from my fingertips and onto the computer screen.

I don’t know why I’m so scattered and unfocused.  Like I said, my life is pretty simple.

Still, I search for a clear mind.  I search for easy answers.  I search for a magic wand which will instantly transport me, my family, our cars and our stuff to Hawaii without the hassle of boxes and paperwork and decisions.  The move is still months away, but it still casts a heavy shadow over our immediate future.

I wonder if I’m looking in the wrong direction for clarity?  Maybe what I deem safe and comforting (my house, my neighborhood, my gym) is preventing me from making clear decisions because I’m so attached to them all?  Perhaps what I need is salty sea air to clear my head?

I don’t know?  I’m still at a loss.  All I know is that I’m off to fold my clean towels; hopefully the scent of fabric softener will work its magic in lieu of that intoxicating Hawaiian sea breeze.